EN
Over the past four or five years, I’ve often been enveloped by various things. Some things change over time, but what remains constant is that I am always surrounded. I have only now come to understand that life can be incredibly chaotic—at least, my past four or five years have been. Often, one thing is not accomplished before another rushes in, creating a sense of overwhelming disorder. What’s more tragic is that I’ve adapted to the chaos, even developing a method to thrive in it, and I take pride in it…
But in recent days, I have increasingly felt burdened by troubles. The reality is that I have already passed the busy phase and am gradually entering the calm part of the symphony. Yet, sudden changes have occurred—they came inexplicably, but they came nonetheless. I began to ponder, starting from the keyboard in my hand, from the moment I record this. Why am I recording? I have not yet reached the peak, so why am I recording myself? I suddenly want to answer with a term I learned recently—corrective feedback loop. When I first saw it, I imbued it with my feelings. To me, it means implementing a divergent thought error rollback from the root. Rollback means returning to the nearest fork in the road to the problem and choosing again, knowing that the previous path had issues. Now, I have made a choice. I choose to record to prevent forgetting, to prevent it from happening again. Yes, that is the meaning of recording.
What is passion? What is love? It is unstoppable. Yes, it is unstoppable…
What exactly am I passionate about, the line that connects me to something that I can love fervently from beginning to end? I want to know so desperately that I am nearly going mad. But looking at the bright side, I have at least excluded many people and things. Perhaps I have already grasped the tail of it, and this time, it will be a new beginning.
CN
过去的四五年里，我时常被一些事情所包裹，一些事会随着时间变成另外一些事，不变的是我一直都被包裹着。我至今才明白，原来人活着是杂乱到极点的，至少我过去的那四五年是如此。往往一事未成另一事又接踵而至，活在其中有种纷至沓来的凌乱。更可悲的是，我适应了凌乱，甚至总结了一套在凌乱里活出凌乱光彩的法子，沾沾自喜…
但是近些天，我愈发觉着烦事缠身，但事实的的情况是，我明明已经度过了忙碌的阶段，逐渐步入乐章的平缓部分，突变确实发生了，来的说不清道不明，但总是来了的。我开始思考，从手中的键盘开始，从我记录这一刻开始，我为什么记录呢，明明还没有站到上头，所以也有自己来记录自己了，我突然想用不久前学到的一个词回答——纠正反馈循环，在第一眼看到它的时候，我就已经赋予了它我的感受，它在我这的意义，便是从根源去实现思想上的分叉性检错回滚。回滚，便是回到那个离问题最近的岔路口重新选择，因为知道之前的路有问题，便要重新做出自己的选择。我现在也做出了选择，我选择记录下来，为了防止遗忘，为了防止再次发生。嗯，这就是记录的意义。
热爱是什么？喜欢是什么？是拦不住，对，是拦不住…
我到底热爱的是什么，能让我狂热地从头爱到底的那条线，连接的到底是什么事物？我想知道想的快要发狂。但从好的的这面来看，我多少是排除了很多人很多事了。或许我已经抓住它的尾巴了，这一次会是新的开始。